Reality Jayne

Candy Stand

2012-02-16T23:12:00.003-05:00

As some of my blog friends are pumping up their workouts, eating healthy, and changing their diets, I am stewing over the Mars candy bar company announcing that they will no longer have king size candy bars, after this year.
Just who in the Fructose do they think they are?
OMG! I cant take it anymore!
They caved to the Food Police. Guess what?...They make Mounds. mmmmhmmm
And, now.... guess what else? I will never eat another Mounds again.
I don't even buy the king size Mounds , but that's not the point.
Now, I will never eat a bite size either
EVER AGAIN..................E-v-e-r!
This is AMERICA people ....If i want to eat 3 squares a day of only chocolate, then i will. If I want to sit and suck down salt packets...I will.
I suggest for everyone to start gathering up all the salt, sugar, chocolate, Velveeta(it keeps forever), and booze that ya can. Peacefully , mind you, because i know that we now have blog, facebook and twitter spies....watching us . Ready to load us up for noncompliance.
Not only are you gonna need this stuff to barter with....You are really gonna need a drink and a candy bar to handle whats comin.
Those Mounds candy bars that Cindy Bee got me ...will be my last.........
CAN I hear an Amen!.............lol....uhhh...just kidding FBI.......kinda

New Show

2012-02-16T11:54:00.004-05:00

Well ....I watched that show The Amandas....here are my thoughts
Picture this :
Toddlers and Tiaras grow up and decide to go into the professional organizing biz.
Amanda is the owner.
Side kicks:

1 gay guy (that always looks concerned)I forgot his name. He doesn't appear to be "all in"

The rest of the crew is gaggle of girls in high heels, animal print scarves, bangles, and heavy lip gloss. They screw up the projects, and they make painting a wall cubby hot pink ...look really hard.

What they did for the Cupcake business in a week .....I could drive to Lowes, Staples and Target and get done in a day...maybe a day and a half.....depends on texting, and coffee breaks.
I'm in.

Birthed Day # 47

2012-02-16T01:13:00.004-05:00

Not a bad Birthday.
I went out to lunch with some family members, got some nice Birthday cards from some peeps, and then, the best yet.....
I was supposed to work tonight, and as I was getting ready , the phone rang.....It was the hospital..
They said "Happy Birthday Jayyyyyyne!!!" ...I got the night off.. Woopwoop!!
So, since the Assistant was gone , I packed up my crafty stuff, and went to my Granny Bee Stitch group.
Look what ole Cindy Bee got me for my B.D. Some velvet, some Ruffles, and some Mounds candy bars. Scruff could smell them in the air, and kept hovering around the photo shoot.
It was Scruffs Birthday, as well. She is 6 now....sniff sniff...My baby's growing up.
Hey look ....my Shake Weight is in the picture...I will probably need that.

I found out about a new show that I am gonna check out ...It's called The Amandas (on The Style Channel) The Granny Bees advised me of this new show.
Mind Changer: You know that train wreck kid ,Lilly, on Modern Family?....I like her now.
Oh, on the The Bachelor.......I cant believe Ben kept Courtney. I am done watching that trash.
Hey ! In the news...Did you hear that Iran has announced full capability of Nuclear mad scientist mischief?
And the same day....Oblah says ...We are gonna reduce ours by 80 percent......hmmmmm..?........Its like a really bad reality show.
Is this a gag ?
Nah..........its not.
Look ! I finally got this cube cover done. It's hot.

PS Thanks mom for the yarn money ...Thanks Son and Daughter In law for the Itunes gift card.....

47 things about a 47 year old (me)

2012-02-15T00:41:00.004-05:00

Today is my Birthday, I love carrot cake, I hate hot weather, I love Ruffles Chips(hehe), I love the sound of high heels on concrete, i have a dimple, one eyebrow higher, sinus problems, and mild to moderate IBS,
I hate my bathtub, prefer baths to showers, cringe at clogged sinks, and Chinese food.
I am a hat person, wish i had curly hair, like cats, but dont enjoy any pet in the rodent class.
I think parakeets are cute, I am afraid of parrots, and got bit by one once.
My favorite color is green , favorite candy bar ....Mounds.
Wish I was photogenic, wish I lived by water, and wish i didn't have to get wrinkles.
I like big noses on the right people. Love salt. I haven't been to the doctor in a really long time.
I have a thing for purses, but I hate a divider in a purse . I like the shopping channels.
I think of the same thing every morning when i wake up.
I like towels folded 3 way, I hate unloading the dishwasher. I want to ride the train somewhere, but I am a homebody.
I truly enjoy lip gloss, chicken livers and drumsticks.
Don't like finished basement rooms, or open concepts.
Used to drink lots of Diet Coke, Used to watch Knots Landing.
I Am afraid of heights, spiders, worms, and drones.
I am not afraid of being myself...anymore

GLue Gun Love

2012-02-14T14:58:00.004-05:00

I made this delightfully, tacky.... Valentine jelly bean jar, for my true love.
Its stinks of old lady church bazaar craft item. I somehow got caught up with my glue gun and craft scraps.
BTW....I got the baby in the baby shower craft aisle, and i hot glued the wings on.
Craft score!!!
So when I gave it to him, he got a funny smirk on his face and touched the wings. He just looked at it kinda.....weird. I asked him if it was "gay-ish".....He said ......"Kinda, but it's oK...i wont show anyone"
I was like......"oh"...........lol
Oh..and look at Scruffs hair sprout.... There is "Something About Scruff"

2012-02-14T14:00:00.002-05:00

***YIELD****.....EGG SHELLS AHEAD

Mystery of the Dead Crack Star

2012-02-13T14:05:00.003-05:00

I know i will get some hate about this , but at this point....oh well.
I know ...i know....Everyone loved Whitney.
Am i mean, that I kinda lost interest, after watching that poor kids reality show, and seeing what a waste she had turned out to be?
Anyhoo.
Sleuths here at Crumble Town Headquarters, have concluded that Whit Houston was under water in the tub, with no foul play evident.
Maybe a heart attack?....Nahhhh.... Stroke?......maybe
Odds are.....
She probably got wasted, took a bath, passed out....and drowned.....
Case closed.
I don't know why all these crazy wacko pop stars and poptarts get all these tributes and public shout outs, after they obviously break laws, do drugs, and stay on their paths to destruction.
They were lucky and had opportunities, and blew their chances at lovely prosperous lives.
Crack Heads here in Crumble...barely get an obituary. .....geeesh

Crudly Studly

2012-02-12T10:44:00.005-05:00

Friday, I went to eat at the local Mexican dining establishment.
There I was, enjoying my nachos and my Miller Lite, with my newish cute bob haircut, when..... Alas!....There at the bar, was one of the football studs, from the old high school days.
Yep ...there he was, playing it cool ....over weight..... and bald as a cue ball.
I explained to my Assistant, that in high school....Mr. Stud Muffin had a full head of unruly hair. Curls.... only the cheerleaders were allowed to swoon over. I noted, that his finely chiseled football muscles, had amazingly transformed in to squishy mush, as well
Poor kid......hehehe
I continued talking to my Assistant about this poor...obviously, fizzled out rock star.
As i was blabbing on, I think i saw baldy ex-stud glance over at me. "Ewwww!!!!",I told Assistant..."He needs to keep his eyeballs to himself" "I cant help it if......I..am the rock star now".....lol.
In High School, back in the 80s...he never even spoke to me. I felt i should be prepared if this used up, old school, hot shot said something to me
I concluded, that if he did come over to my table, and actually had the nerve to speak to me, I was gonna be prepared. I worked out this whole conversation with my Assistant.

Make believe conversation: "Here is what I will say"...i told A.

Ex Stud: " Hi Jayne ...How are you?" (Of course he would assume that everyone knows him, and not even ask if i remember him)
Me: " Uhhhhh fine ...i guess."
Ex stud:... "Blah...blah...blah..."....(maybe talking about his life now)
Me: ( scrunching eyebrows ...interrupting him)....."I'm sorry...but.....who the hell ... are you?"
At this point I started...... Laughing evil like........
Assistant: "WOw"..."that'll get him"

Anyway, to make a long story short, he never even spoke to me....Lucky for him.

V Day

2012-02-11T13:13:00.004-05:00

Remember Flo, the gum chewing...funny...waitress, from the 70s show Alice ?
I made these pins last night. Flo would appreciate these

They turned out huge, but pleasantly tacky in a good way

Lynne & Joan smoking weed

2012-02-09T13:53:00.000-05:00

Geriatric Mom 2

DVR Wednesday

2012-02-08T15:58:00.006-05:00

Last night on TV
Teen Mom:
Janelle packed her bags, put on her fake sane face, and decided she might want to go to rehab, to cure her doobie habit.
She broke up with Kieffer...She said "I love you Kieffer.", in a 12 year old way.
He said ....just......"bye".....................and hung up.
Leah filed for divorce, after she told husband, Cory, that she did the dirty with her ex boyfriend the week before she married him.
Awkward!!!......Her face turned in to a black liquid mess, as she cried her eyeliner and mascara coated eyes out.
Joe enjoyed his home visit with his baby...and than enjoyed a make out session with his baby's momma, Kailyn. (they shut the door on the camera....so i am assuming somethin went down).
Her new boyfriend, Jordan, had a hunch that it would be a bad idea for her to spend time with her baby's daddy.....Crap!..........Jordan called it.
BTW...I used to think that Teen Mom was like a good ole shot of Mom Juice ...
It really can, make even the worst Mom feel good.
But now.... i believe, it is just a good shot of Human Juice, as a whole.

Dance Moms:
The new Dance Mom, is the craziest one yet. She literally does not shut up. I predict that she will be gone next week. Either she will be taken away by security, or an ambulance.
Pick one.

Housewives of Orange County: OK....Its official...Gretchen decorates from Home Goods. I like Home Goods too, but..... Come on!!!!.....I ain't trying to act like a rich socialite housewife from the O.C.
Vickie is getting a divorce...Yay!!!!...
In Orange County, divorces are like Birthdays. They fluff up the couch pillows, sell the house, date other peeps,.....and go out and party.
All before the divorce is final.
Vicki is dating a younger guy.
At lunch, Tamera asked her if she was having 5 hour sex yet.
I ain't no prude or nothin, but that sounds obnoxious and torturous. Us hicks, from the Midwest are probably are out of the loop....sigh.....or maybe it's just me.
Alexis got a new gig, as a beauty consultant, at a TV station, in San Diego
Alexis sure puts the drama in to being a working mom.
She lined up the sippy cups, on the kitchen counter, and packed the hard boiled eggs in the lunch bags.
It must have been hard, because she was breathing really hard, like she was exercising.
She concentrated like she was doing a puzzle, as she got the counter top battlefield ready for Jim.
She strategically placed each snack bar, by each sippy cup...and prayed that idiot Jim could "handle it" while she tried to be a star.
FYI...She screwed it up............just sayin.
Hey...i just thought of something...
We Ho Dunks, from The Middle, must be really smart.
We can get our kid's "after daycare snacks" ready, without even breathing hard or thinking too hard....
Throw the tots an oreo, and tell them
"Go get your own sippy cup from under your bed..... and bring it to me...if ya want a drink......kid"

oops

2012-02-06T17:16:00.001-05:00

I took that post off.... i was thinking i want to stay out of jail and be with my Scruff

Madonna - Holiday [Blonde Ambition Tour]

2012-02-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

Madonna put on a good Super Bowl half time show. She always has been a good performer...Hey!! Shes in her 50s.
Her concerts from the 80s.....Now .....Those..... were good.
Take a look back, Blogettes. I wish I could have gone to one of her concerts.
The 70s and 80s were my time....

Mackenzie from Toddlers and Tiaras

2012-02-05T19:30:00.001-05:00

Another T & T moment

weird

2012-02-05T18:03:00.002-05:00

So Februscary in Indiana today .....45 degrees. Whats with that?
Sure is a nice day for a Super Bowl. Usually in February its 10 degrees, or so. With snow, not sun.
I will be back later..I have something funny to show you

Nutrition

2012-02-04T14:19:00.007-05:00

I like junk food. My food pyramid is, technically, still a pyramid, it just has a good sturdy box of Entenmanns Donuts on the bottom row.
M&M
NUTS
CARBS
COFFEE
CHEESES
BREADS
GREASES
CHOCOLATES
GUMMY RINGS
ENTENMANNS DONUTS

I do like meats, as well, but hardly ever eat them with any other food group....
Example: A Ribeye... by itself. This diet has worked for me, Blogettes.....so far so good.
However, I am trying to lose about 15 lbs or so...
It has been really hard to NOT have my morning donuts.
Today, I desparately ( in a starved Ethiopian way )put half a chocolate donut in my mouth , chewed it up.....thought better of it.....and then spit it out. It wasnt a bad idea though......I still got the taste of it ....and didnt take in the calories.........Right?

Dear Tori S.

2012-02-03T19:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Tori Spelling,
I don't know why I feel compelled to write you, but here goes.
Why do I love your show??....Let me count the ways.

1. I like your communication style with your kids. You keep it real, and are not always hung up on keeping it so politically correct.
2. You have dropped the Hollywood Diva thing , that so many other starlets fall into.
3. You are loyal to your friends
4. You get dirty and scruff it up to go junking and garage sale-ing.
5. You play with your kids.
6. You are always thinking of new and gutsy business adventures
7. Candy and you finally made up..... and moved on.
8. You had a pet pig on your bed last week.
9. You take your pet chicken, Coco Channel, to the craft store with you ....in your purse.
10. Coco also eats scones on your kitchen table
11. Animals are loved in your home, and treated with kindness and love.
12. Your sense of humor cracks me up......which is hard to do.
13. You have good taste in decorating....for sure.
14. You can make fun of yourself, and laugh at your weirdness

The only thing I do kinda worry about is your son, Niam, being around the Gusbands so much.
I noticed that Liam was wearing nail polish last week.......just be cautious.
Congrats on the new baby girl, and tell the family that I said Hi.
Yours Lovingly,
Reality Jayne

TV Talk

2012-02-02T16:18:00.009-05:00

Teen Mom 2 : Janelle got probation, and was pissed that Kieffer got off the hook. She was also really mad, that she can't smoke her doobies anymore.
Leah is willing to ditch Cory (kinda) to move from a ratty old trailer to another trailer. Next week, she will announce to Cory, that she cheated on him.
Joe made nice with Kayla, and he also met her new boyfriend.
Joe puzzles me , Blogettes..
I have to say ....i cant figure him out....One minute, foul....and the next nice.....sigh

The Bachelor: Courtney met Ben at his hotel door, and took him down to the beach , stripped down naked and forced him to skinny dip.
Afterward, Ben looked at the camera and announced, that he didn't really know how he felt about the whole incident. I am sure it was HARD, Ben....lol..
BTW...I have never hated another Bachelor contestant more, than this Courtney chick .

Dance Moms: Abby Lee took her dance troop to yet another competition, and scrambled things up with the group dance routines.
The nasty inappropriate school girl outfits, that Abby made the girls wear, most likely cost the girls the competition.
One of the girls got lippy with Abby, after the routine. Abby kicked her and the Mom out of the dance company. Brooke is enjoying her newly attained popularity as a cheerleader.

American Idol: So far ....so good

Tori and Dean: wacky but cute Tori Spelling gave birth, by C-section, to her third child.

Bevery Hills Housewives Reunion part 1 : All the housewives ganged up on Lisa Vanderpump. It is obvious that the group is going to be split up next season.
Rumor has it, that Lisa Vanderpump is going to have her own show, which could be the reason the other Housewives don't like her anymore.
Lisa also denies having butt implants, but Kyle told Wendy Williams, on Wendy's show that Lisa did, in fact, have a butt job.
Kim was absent, due to being in rehab.....Her sister Kyle didn't feel comfortable sharing with everyone what exactly Kim's fix/habit is.

Thats all for now ...............

Martha ....Really?

2012-01-31T22:20:00.000-05:00

Today, I was talking to Cindy Bee on the phone about Martha Stew.
We both have a love /hate relationship with ole Martha, and we were discussing her show.
Did anyone watch, last week, when she had kittens, and a variety of big cats on her show??
Anyhoo....when the animal trainer guy was talking about the animals ....Martha kept meowing really loud . The guy had to stop talking every couple of seconds...... so Martha could finish....meowing...."Meow...Meow...Meow" .....Ugghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Bee and I both agreed that we liked Martha's old show at Turkey Hill better.
So.I wrote her a letter.....

Dear Martha,
Don't you realize that your show is getting dreadfully boring?
The people that loved your old show, don't care about watching you... lift weights, giving makeup tips, making Chinese food, traveling to weird places....and most of all your ridiculous banter with that obnoxious side kick, Joey.
You constantly interrupt your guests, talk baby talk with Joey, and quite frankly......you are dumbing it down.
All you do is talk about your Martha products, as well.
Yes Martha ....we know you now have every product known to man
Martha.....don't you understand we just want to see you in your comfy Turkey Hill kitchen, icing a cake or making a glittered Valentine???
You have gotten so big, that you have forgotten the "Good things" about yourself.
You did so much better when you were by yourself in front of the camera.
Martha......you are not a people person.....just sayin.
Oh.....and.... that book that your rude self centered daughter, Alexis, wrote (that you supposedly approved of) didn't make you look good either.
Please take our advice and make some changes....We look forward to it
Yours Craftingly,
Reality Jayne ....and C. Bee (Bee didn't really approve of this letter...so don't punish her)

Hi

2012-01-31T16:48:00.004-05:00

Sunny ....in the 50s in January??

Things I am liking today:

Words With Friends on my ipad (Mark)

Fresh sheets

Peanut Butter M&Ms

A walk with Scruff

The weather

My Kuerig

New makeup

Nothing to do

Crocheting

A cool bright yellow shiny purse i saw today... ( no ....i didnt get it)

Don't forget ......Celebrity Wife Swap, Dance Moms, Tori and Dean tonight. Set your DVRs.

Morning Glory

2012-01-30T05:47:00.004-05:00

So here it is...5: 30 AM, and I haven't been asleep yet.
The court system has decided that I can be dragged out of bed, at the crack of dawn.....for jury duty.
For a Midnight Shifter, 7:00 AM IS like the middle of the night. Most nights, I don't even go to bed until 3 AM or so.
Just the thought of getting up early stresses me out, to the point, where I can't sleep at all.
It is just the first day, which means I might not get picked to stay.
Keep your digits crossed , Blogettes. I am off for 4 days, and I don't want my days off to get screwed up.
Speaking of the legal system.
In Crumble Town news:
Our boring little Midwest City has had 5 shootings over the last 3 days...... Details are pending.
Looks like the the court docket will be busy.

In Crochet News: 2 more rows left on my Ripple blanket.

In TV News: Last night, NeNe's friend, Marlo, the ex-con, gave the women etiquette lessons on the 15 hour flight to South Africa.
On The Kardashians....Kim realized that she needed to end her marriage to Kris. Kris continued to grin in awkward situations, and he appeared to not take things seriously....hmmmmm. lol

2012-01-29T19:01:00.004-05:00

"Hi..... R.J....How bout I come over later to watch Housewives?"

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2012-01-29T03:11:00.001-05:00

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Dear U 2

2012-01-28T10:11:00.001-05:00

Dear Brad Pittiful
Yes yes yes.....Shiloh will...indeed... be ridiculed for having a boy haircut.
Take it from an ex-tomboy, that sported a dutch boy doo, in grade school, and then transitioned to a pixie cut in High school......the wrath of mean kids will be waiting for scrappy Shiloh.
You will just have to let her be her.....and if she wants to wear dockers and a bow tie, then there is nothing you can do , Brad.......
You knew when you had your fling with Angelina, and then decided to have a kid or 7 with her, that she was a weirdo. She thrives on being self indulgent. She loves the attention that she gets for being different.
My suggestion, is to try and talk Shiloh into a Short bob haircut and maybe just tone down the menswear a tad.....
Goodluck, Brad
Yours Lovingly,
R. Jayne.

Dear Demi,
Pull yourself together dammit! Ashton is a weenis.....Get over it.
You have 3 daughters that want you to be a mom and not a party mate.
Really? Redi Whip?
I have nothing else
Yours Disgustingly,
R.Jayne

Demi Huffing Whipped Cream

2012-01-27T16:02:00.001-05:00

Well......looks like Demi Moore slipped into a semi coma, after huffing Redi Whip fumes.....
Paramedics were sent to pick up the troubled ex-super star bag of bones, at her home......
Thanks Demi !......Now Oblah will outlaw our whipped topping.
Its obvi .....that she is not handling her split from Ashton too well.

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Oy Vey!

2012-01-27T08:08:00.002-05:00

"Holy Troubled Tomboy, Batman......Angelina screwed up Shiloh's hair"
.......................help!"

Nakey Nuts

2012-01-26T12:57:00.004-05:00

In yesterdays post's comments....I mentioned to Mr Monkey, that I had witnessed an intense nude ping pong match at the local German swimming pool, in 1986.
Mrs. Scribe seems interested in the details of this event.
I am not a big fan of nudists, in general, so their silliness, and need to be "free", is something that makes me cringe.
However, it wasn't my first encounter with a Deutschland nudist.
The witnessed ping pong match was simply just another obnoxious nude encounter, in my 2 year German adventure.
We lived in a quaint little area of the city that my Assistant was stationed in.
One morning, I was enjoying a nice cup of joe ......when suddenly, I saw a topless girl walk by my kitchen window.
"What the....?!?" I thought.
Yep ! There she was, walking her Boxer dog, topless .....at 7 AM in the morning, enjoying a little sunshine, i guess.
She was in her early 20s.....not bad looking, and judging from her nudeness...she really didn't have any reason to NOT walk her dog topless.
So anyhoo....that dog walking crapola went on in the late Spring to early Fall.
I know why my Assistant always had a ride to work. His friends never seemed bothered to come through the neighborhood to pick him up, either.
The ping pong match involved two older men ...fully nude, playing a boisterous game of rough and tumble table tennis, at the local swimming pool.
Stupid me.....just wanted to get a little sunshine, and thought it would be fun to go to the pool.
It was disgusting and .....wiggly.
Believe me....after you see some of the "worst case scenerios", that can actually be stuffed in a pair of swim trunk or yucky Speedos, it makes you not wanna get in the pool............
Needless to say, I learned to avoid any locations where i saw signs that read Schwimmbad ....or Hallenbad.
My advice:
Unless one is a fine chiseled human specimen( like fine art) ...one should just wear clothes........kinda .....for real

Scattered Green Thoughts

2012-01-25T14:47:00.008-05:00

Today on the news, I saw that hearings are underway, in regards to the Chevy Volt's safety standards.
I guess..... the charges claim, that the safety defects were kept on the down low, in order to push the electric car nightmare through.
Did you know... that some states and cities got stimulus money to replace perfectly good city vehicles with the Volt?....I wonder... if that effected the supposed GM sales numbers???
We must save the earth!....Dammit.!..We MUST!
Hey....aren't electric grids run off of coal energy, for the most part? If everyone has a car plugged into an outlet in their garage ....do we have enough electric power to cover that?
Hey ....weren't we gonna stop coal mining too?
Hey......how does that work?
All this "green" hoopla, made me think of when I lived in Germany for 2 years, in the 80s.
Indeed, Germany is a really clean green place. Even back then , I remember recycling everywhere, regulations that the citizens had to abide by, energy efficient appliances, and a very strict trash collection system....
At first, as a young chick, I thought "This system sure puts us American Pigs to shame"(BTW... that's what some of them called us)
Green
Clean
Bike paths
Bus Systems
Train Systems
Bring your Bag to the store
No bulky packaging
Recycling
Oh...i forgot...We had to buy bottled water...The drinking the water from faucets ,was not something you wanted to do.....hmmmmmmmm
I thought it all seemed sensible, until I tried to live as a low income person, in that green regulated world.
The thing is ...It was very expensive to live there.
Driving....for example.
Gas was crazy, and insurance was unaffordable. Liability on a 1972 car, in 1985, was 180 buckaroos a month. I remember it, because i struggled to pay for it.
I was very privileged to have a German friend that taught me the ropes. She used to tell me, that the reason a lot of people rode bikes and walked everywhere, was because families could not afford the costs, insurance, and fuel for a second car.
Regulations sometimes don't make things realistically affordable for the low income class.
Back then, we were... what you would consider........ poor .
I remember having to take my beat up old car (the only one i could afford) to the "inspection station", to be inspected . It had to pass yearly inspections, to be on the roads...If your vehicle didn't pass...NEIN!!!!....Nein driving!!! You must fix it until ...it passes.
Go to jail...go directly to jail..if you disobey.
Our poor people car had some rusting around the bottom of the body and on the back bumper.
Anyhoo, it kept flunking inspection...The mean inspector guy kept flunking it, due to its "unsightly" appearance.
To put it plainly...It wasn't pretty and clean enough.
The third time ...I went back, after spray painting the rust , because i didn't know what else i could do, I started weeping...i mean sloppy crying...lol....when he flunked it again.
He gave me a dirty look...scrunched his eyebrows, grumbled something in German... ...and passed it.

The moral of my ramblings, i guess, is....
Be careful, because sometimes in the name of good and green utopic love, a monster can be created.
A giant control game...that gets to call all the shots...Making it very hard for the little guy to keep their head above it all. A struggle to just survive , conform, and obey.

Also...if anyone is reading this and wondering why I was there..My Assistant was in the military, and back then we actually made less than people on welfare. Military peeps overseas, back then, did not qualify for any govt. help, either.... So, in the name of being a young married couple ...we stuck it out..... together.
I look back, and I might have done things different, but I cant change it, and it did make me stronger....in the long run.
P.S. German McDonalds for 2 peeps in 1985 ? Cost?........15 $$
Prostitution was also legal....I wonder why...hehe

P.S.S. I dont expect many comments either....because i know a lot of people wont agree or like a little green scrutiny....

Hmmmm

2012-01-24T13:06:00.004-05:00

I remember this hill that we would sled down as kids...Back then it seemed really dangerous and steep. .
The other day, I made a quick drive by... through my old childhood neighborhood.
Wow....Today, that hill, is just a mere...insignificant incline.
Either a hell of alot of erosion took place, or my mountain turned into mole hill.

The Batch.....yuk

2012-01-23T23:36:00.003-05:00

Watch out!!!!
Ben, on The Bachelor, has a mean side...I can see it. And.....when he said that hes been in love 5 times......the first being in high school.
Oy vey!!!
I think he is a game player. I doubt that i will continue to watch. ...lol
Quite frankly, I think Ben deserves Courtney.
If I were a guy.....I would never be fooled by fake baby talk.
That Courtney is white trash.............period

What I've Been Working On

2012-01-23T14:39:00.002-05:00

I have been working on this ripple blanket. It is taking forever.....but I like the colors

Oh....Hi Scruff

Ooga...Ooga..Me Redneck...Want Big Cheap Steak

2012-01-21T22:14:00.006-05:00

I did something this evening that I have never done before.
I requested to be moved to a different table in a restaurant, due to being in a booth next to an idiot.
The weirdo redneck complained about his steak immediately upon receiving it, and made dirty looks while chewing it, reminiscent of a 1 year old eating Gerber green beans.
He asked the waitress if his steak was baked, and informed her that it wasn't seared.
In addition, He told her it tasted "soft and rubbery"
The very nice apologetic waitress offered to take it back and get it right, or even get him something else. He told her no, and then informed her (while grinning...showing his yucky rotten teeth ) that he knew what happened to food that got sent back to the kitchen ...."Hardy Har Har!!!".
Meanwhile, she went to get the manager, and he continued to complain, teach, and talk about how to cook a steak correctly.
He lectured his wife, that he could go get a steak at Walmart, that tasted like the one on his plate.
I whispered to my Assistant ..."Uhhhh ....It was only 13 bucks on the menu ...and he got it with 2 sides too...........geeesh" "What did he expect.......?"
The Manager came to the table and offered to do something for him, and he basically accused her of planning to spit on his food, as well......if he sent it back.
After she got uncomfortable, and had to walk away, he blabbered on and on and on...
Ok
Finally!!!!!
I had enough!!!!! TaDah!!!!....
I wasn't going to spend another minute near this neanderthal.....
So, I told my dining partner of my PMS limit being met, called the nice waitress over ...told her that we were moving to another table, and that we would be honored if she would continue to serve us in a better area....away from rude distractions.
I don't know what happened, but i just decided that I wasn't going to spend my night off, listening to stupid cave people...and i wasn't going to pay for a meal out, if had to sit next to an ape.
I told my Assistant that I wasn't going to let some loon ruin my dinner...He replied, "That's weird, because we talked about it all through dinner"....haha

Anyhoo....then we were off to the movies to watch Mark Wahlberg.........rawwwwrrrrrr
Movie...not so good
Mark...without his shirt....HOT.

Looks Like I am in the Government......maybe

2012-01-20T18:56:00.005-05:00

Did you hear about the 5 year old....whos parents are finally revealing HIS true sex ...???
"Its a boy!!!!"...his parents announced ...proud of the big secret.
They wanted to steer away from stressful gender expectations, that might possibly be thrown upon poor Jr. by society. They wanted HIM to pick what he wants to be ...blah blah blah..........
Oh....brother.
Just eat a soy nut and get on with life.

Looks like i have jury duty on Jan. 30th. Yes..... I, Jayne , have been chosen to do my civic duty.
I must be a model citizen and begin the jury selection process....I wonder if i should be myself??? Will that disqualify me?
I have to be there by 8:30 AM...so right away, I realize, that I am not qualified for this fiasco, that we call the legal system.

TV Trash

2012-01-20T14:17:00.006-05:00

Week in TV ....rounded up into 1 or 2 sentences:

Bachelor: Predictable. BTW....Morticians aren't lucky in love. The model is mean....period.
Glee: Boring. Glee can't decide if they want to be a fun silly show, or a show with a political and social agenda.....Make up your mind Glee!.....I can't live in the middle.
Housewives of Beverly: I know Kim was junked up.
Teen Mom 2: I don't know why Chelsea keeps liking Adam..."Chelsea...he hates you!!!!"
Dance Moms.........The Candy Apples made fools of themselves.
Idol: Enjoyed.
Toddler in Ts: I knew that Russian Mail Order Brides were a bad idea.

OK ......So, on Modern Family, the little girl that plays Mitchell and Cam's daughter, Lilly, is terrible.
Lets just get this out...They must find a new child actor to play this role.
She is not a baby anymore, and she is now actually having to talk and act some.
1. She is not good at acting
2. Lets face it ...As she grows ...she is not turning into the cutest kid.
She has horrible dark sunk in eye bags, and she looks like a tired sickly kid, that has a lot of sinus and ear issues
3. I bet in the next season, or better yet, next week.... ...Lilly will have a new look.
ALERT>>>>
Did you hear that there will be a dwarf on Survivor this season.....?
I don't know why, but i am anticipating the dynamics. I just hope... no one gets hurt.

mmmhmmmm

2012-01-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

As I was venting about the paint crapola to my male offspring....he says.......
Offspring: "So why don't you throw your hat in , and run for president." (sarcastically)
Me: "Uhhhhh...I opened a Twitter account for my dog". " I am pretty sure they would annihilate me."

Oh No They Did-ent

2012-01-19T15:04:00.007-05:00

Well...and so it continues..................

I went to get some oil based paint, in order to paint my kitchen cabinets.

Guess what?

Oil based paint has been outlawed.

Yep!!!.....No more.

Whats next??? Bread? Peanuts? Coffee?

I told the peeps in Sherwin Williams, that i was over it, and that I am tired of watching my country turn communist. They will probably turn me in to big brother....but here's another thing...I am gonna start speaking up more.

Take me away....load me up on the train to Camp Bad Girl.....I do...not care.

The world is crumbling and they are worried about what kind of paint we can use!!!!

Oh...and BTW....Turpentine, stripper....glue..etc.......still legal
Now....if you will excuse me ....I am gonna go eat a Twinkie...while i still can.

ALERT

2012-01-18T11:56:00.002-05:00

IDOL TONIGHT !!!!

One of my all time favorite movies, Baby Boom, is on cable tonight, as well.

Dance Moms - Minister Dawn vs. Abby Lee Miller

2012-01-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

heehee.........she is somethin

The Mystery Of The 8x8 Box

2012-01-17T16:08:00.003-05:00

My doorbell rang yesterday, and i saw the UPS man drive away.
"What the....?" i said to Scruff...."I didn't order anything."
I looked outside, and observed a little box on the front porch.
It was approximately 8x8 and sealed up like Fort Knox. "Hmmmmm....weird"...
I tried to open it, but like i said, it was taped up like a bad crime scene.
I looked at the return address....Some town in California......."What if it is a bomb!!!" I thought.....With my opinions, and such...who knows if some Liberal in California wants vengeance...lol
Anyway , I left it on the counter for my Assistant to open..."Why take the risk ?", i thought
About 4 hours later , i get a call .....It was the Assistant. He wanted to know if I got a package.
I told him "yes" ,and that it was weird .....He told me to open it. I told him i couldn't break through the tape of steel packaging....He told me to quit being a wimp and open it.
So I did

Twas a Sons of Anarchy coffee cup. Hehehe...My Assistant ordered it for me, as a surprise.
He informed me that it even had a narrow rim ...so i won't dribble .....

Mother Nature Has Dementia

2012-01-17T14:03:00.005-05:00

So there i was, in bed, just getting in my Nyquil slumber.....when all the sudden ...I hear thunder.
Thunder so loud , it was scary. It was so booming, that it set off my high tech security system.
Scruff got scared, and wanted up on the bed. I asked the Assistant why it would be thunder storming in January .
It was only 14 degrees, and snowing on Saturday....for the love........and yesterday up to 40 - 50 .
I don't remember it thundering, like it was last night, ever..... in January.
Hells Bells.!!!..The world is surely crumbling.
Remember that hawk that killed Baby B. Bunny right before our eyes, last Spring?
Well, he has been hanging around again...hoping to get his claws on one of the chipmunks that live in my wood pile.
Yesterday , i saw a group of crows gang up on the hawk.....They were flying around him and diving at him......I wonder what that was all about. It was out of the ordinary.
Oh....and
I saw an earthworm on my brick patio yesterday. Earth worms dont' come out in January......in this Hell bent, Midwest town...............What the H is going on?????

Atlanta Housewive's poignant She Saids (from DVR Sunday)

2012-01-16T23:30:00.004-05:00

"He obviously adores me"...."Hey!!"..."It's out of my control".
NeNe Leakes, Housewife from Atlanta

" Mmmmm hmmmm........She done wrote some bad checks, Baby."

Kandi, Housewife from Atlanta ....showing mugshots of an ex friend to Phedra

"Help me Jesus!"...."Keep me focused."
Phedra, Housewife from Atlanta, as she looks at a naked male mannequin at the African History Museum.

DVR Play by Play

2012-01-16T16:55:00.011-05:00

O.....M....G.... I taped Hoarding Buried Alive, last night .
I am watching it , as we speak.

Mommy...........................help me.
OK
So
This slobby woman is a Psychologist, and lives in a hot stinky house, in Florida, with her buxom girlie adult son.
Her whole house is crawling with roaches.
Her poor little pets, in my opinion, should be taken from her.
The pets ....that is................not the son.
He should stay, because he is just as dumb as his mom.
The exterminators are getting sick to their stomachs...as we speak.
Treatment Plan?
PSYCH CONSULT................for the psychologist???????
Ding ding ding!!!!!!
"Tell her what she's won .........Johnny !!!!!! "

Guess what ?
The little dog's food .........has roaches in it.
I just started tearing up.
Throwing out my Steak and Shake milkshake, because i got a little sick to my stomach
Hoarder says.....in an argument, over throwing a pot away..."I might be sick , but what do you think I am......stupid?"

uhhhhhhh huuuuhhh.....yes hoarder slob...i do.....i really really....really .....do.

And, to think ...i got the yucks over a dust bunny in the bathroom corner, this morning.
Life ain't so bad , after all.

2012-01-14T13:32:00.002-05:00

!!!Thump...BUmP ! THUD....!! #*&**$%#@!*!
(Someone just fell off their soapbox)

Ooooga Ooooga

2012-01-13T17:32:00.002-05:00

Blogettes,
Do you guys think that the Fat Cats or the rich Greedy Bosses have been around since the beginning of time?
Lets go..... to our Jayne TV Reporter ...on location, in B.C Valley

Reporter: "Caveman Crull....Tell us what makes YOU the boss, here in this prehistoric valley".

Caveman Crull: "Me have more skins....more cave girls".... "Me better hunter".

Reporter: "Oh"....."Well!"....."Will you give some of the other, less fortunate, cave people some of your ...stuff?"

Caveman Crull: "They no give ME nothing".

Reporter: "You should feel ashamed Crull"...."You have sooooooo much in your cave".

Caveman Crull: "Me have lots"......"Me no share!!!!!"

Reporter: "Crull, ......do you worry that people will call you greedy?"

Caveman Crull: "ME KEEP STUFF!!!!!!"

Reporter: "And there you have it"...."A greedy caveman"....
"Jayne, back to you"

Just Sayin

2012-01-13T11:17:00.009-05:00

I am sorry about that dark post yesterday, but i just get so annoyed at the whining .
This is one of the few places left in the world, where you can belly ache and whine, and, ultimately,.....IF you want...........do something about it.
Poor" here" is not.... really.....really poor......just sayin.
We are being encouraged (not sayin by who) to dislike those with more.
Can i ask a question though??..........Ya know those starving children in yesterday's post? Who could their parents get a a job from?
There are no businesses there .....no homes....no cafes....no yarn shops.....no McDonalds for fries, no food stamp centers, no community centers, no Walmarts, no hotels, no factories, no..........nothing

The few in charge are the only ones eating, drinking, being warm, and ....oh yeah.....taking. and oh...yeah.......raping and pillaging.
All....... I am saying is
America
Don't hate your neighbor for having a 5 bedroom home instead of a 2 bedroom home
Quit hating those that have a business ....while you only get to clock in and out.
Don't envy those that have more
Go get your own and go make your own way ....You still can. .....for now anyway.

I just thought of something....
Remember in all those old movies, where the poor villagers would be visited by their government officials for their ........... "tax payments" ??
Remember.... when little Blacksmith Joe didn't have the 50 percent, to pay the mean tax guy? So ..... the tax guy would just shoot him or take his cow..... or his daughter??
I wonder what would happen , if the government would break up all the big businesses, that are harder to "push" around.....and told everyone that it would be best if "the little guy" had a chance.....(like Blacksmith Joe)
"We are helping you...little peeps",they would say
"We would never try to take that much from you."
"We would GIVE you a break".

Haha

Think about it

2012-01-12T13:25:00.005-05:00

Which picture above....shows a poor person.

One claims to be poor and in a bad situation ...............(Yahoo homepage news reel)

One shows.... how being really poor (for real), and in a bad situation, has claimed them.

More Mutt STuff

2012-01-11T17:21:00.004-05:00

Took Scruff to get her nails trimmed at the local Petco, today. The girl groomer was quick and efficient. She asked me if I wanted to get Scruff groomed. I am assuming, that she thought my fur child needed a good cleaning. I declined, because I don't want her to catch a cold.
FYI.... It is supposed to snow tonight.
I then, asked her what she thought about Scruffs breed. She told me that her muzzle was a little long for a Shihtzu ...Groomer girl asked me where I got Scruff. When I told her a pet store.
She replied " Well if she came from a puppy mill, ya never know" and then, she winked at me.
I guess it is an sure thing, in the dog world, that pet stores always use puppy mills.
What the......?
BTW...Did anyone watch Dance Moms, last night???................Deeeelightful TV viewing, at least as far as reality tv goes.
BTW#2...I love Tabatha.
Tonights lineup: Modern Family, The Middle, Restaurant Impossible, Toddlers in Ts, Hoarding...Buried Alive.

Don't Hate..I love my TV.....hence the blog name

Me again

2012-01-10T16:38:00.004-05:00

Me again....I am watching my DVR shows
I cant believe...once again , The Bachelor.... is falling for the 2 biaaaatches on the show.
Against the warnings and distress calls of the other girls,...Ben is "falling" for the mean vixens.
I know this is all staged for ratings, but i cant seem to stop watching.
He even gave a rose to the mean girl that he just found hunched over in the closet, on top of a suitcase, having a melt down of some kind... They must think we (the viewers) are dumb......
I hope they know ...that we will just stop watching if they keep insulting our intelligence.
I was going to go join a gym today, but after lunch with some caring friends, who warned of lurking staph infections and sweaty germs, I have decided against it.
Well crap...I was so motivated too....lol
Martha is doing Zumba today, on her show.....Oh brother. Zumba seems like a little too much jumping and wiggling around for me ......for sure.
Martha says she is gonna get healthy for the new year. She has, indeed, gained some LBs since her release from the brink, a couple years back. I wonder if she will stop interrupting her guests this year, as well?
Ewwww!.... I finally had to put it on mute...I prefer quiet exercise. Zumba is loud.
The girls at lunch suggested Wi Fit .......I cant be pushing this button, that button, arrow up, arrow down, finding this control, that control, messing with mats and wires .
I have enough on my plate right now.
Tonight ...Dance Moms, Celebrity Wife Swap, Tabatha Salon Takeover.
And, after 1 year of a Glee standoff, I am taping it tonight. I am giving them another chance to not awkward me out.
Mark Wahlberg was on Kelly Live....He is having his tattoos removed. He wants to set an example for his kids...He is even taking the two older kids to the sessions, to see what a painful and in depth thing it is to remove something that you might have done spontaneously.
Dear Mark,
Me again....I don't mind your hot tattoos, and I would be interested in going to your removal appointments with you ...for support, of course.
I could hold your.... ahem......hand.
Uhhh...Mark? You had me at the Funky Bunch and the Calvin Klein ads
Yours Fondlingly,
Reality Jayne

uh oh

2012-01-10T15:31:00.003-05:00

Don't worry kid......Mama still loves you....
even more.

Switched at Birth???

2012-01-10T00:00:00.001-05:00

Rosie...aka...Scruff

As you all know, my dog, Scruff, is the cutest Shihtzu in the whole dang world.
I bought her at a pet store 6 years ago.
Some people have asked me if she was a "puppy mill dog"......gasp!!!..
Of course, I have always denied this claim. I hate puppy mills, and I am convinced that my kid came from a caring...... puppy place.
As the story goes....My human kids both moved out at the same time.
One kid went to college...One kid...went to be free,.....of me.... I guess.
I was in the pet store, buying turtle food for the turtle that was abandoned...so his adult/teen mom could be "free", I looked up, and there was little Scruff (aka...Rosie) , staring at me from across the aisle.
She was 1.5 lbs, the size of my hand, and did I mention, she was born on my birthday?
We made eye contact, our eyes locked, and it was love at first sight.... A match made in heaven.
The rest is history. A done deal.
As she grew up....I noticed she was shorter in stature then the other local Shihtzus. Her legs never grew much either...and they seemed a tad crooked.
One evening, a good friend (Scribe), owner of a Shihtzu, informed me, point blank, that she had been doing some research, and that she suspected that my Shihtzu was a dwarf....maybe due to a "genetic problem" she casually told me. "It happens in mills"...she went on...blah blah blah
Anyways....
My fur child's hair is different, as well. It is thick and curly...like a woolly mammoth ...not long and straight like the other Shihtzus. In addition, her eyes aren't large and bulgy like some Shihtzus, and her tail is really curly as well.
To make a long story shorter....Monday, I was informed by Miss Scribe, over coffee, that she thinks Scruff is a Mal Shi ......A mix between a Shihtzu and a Maltese.....
WTF.!!!...My full blooded... semi registered..expensive.. Shihtzu ...a Mongrel ?...A mutt!!!!! ??
Surly not !! "You better watch your mouth", I warned her.
Then she showed me pictures.................OMG!!.....

.........................................................................................................................oh.....

Going Green.....celadon, that is

2012-01-09T17:57:00.006-05:00

I know ...I know...My voice sounded goofy in the video. I was just having fun though. Maybe I will make a couple more...
It seems, videos in Blog Land are all the rage. They can make ya or break ya.
Anyways....Guess what?....Come closer........
I just got done placing my order for 2 celadon green love seats.

A New Kitchen Machine

2012-01-09T01:54:00.002-05:00

I caved. I got a Keurig Coffee machine.
It really makes a delightful cup of tea.
The chia tea and the hot apple cider are like a hot drinks...made by angels.
I swear when I took my first sip.....I heard harp music.
On the other hand, so far, the coffees have been a little aggressive and bold, for my taste.
The little K cup carousel thingy is like a twirling countertop ballerina.
FYI....
I have a weird love for counter top gadgets.
Updates:
* The celadon green couch is in talks. I haven't totally lost it, Ya know, I am gonna think about this whole green couch thing.
I know I have been known to make spontaneous major purchases in the winter months. ( houses, cars, furniture, tempurpedics,..etc), but this time,
I am gonna think it through.....for real.
* The Dude Ranch idea was discovered to be quite expensive.
Little Joe and Hoss will have to see to the ranch without me.
I just have a hard time spending that much money for a three to four day fling.
I know some peeps who just spent bunches of money to go on a cruise....with wet people everywhere,cruise food, and shuffle board....on a crowded boat.....in the middle of the ocean.
It just seems silly. Plus, I don't like boats or planes.
Guess what?.....INdiana University (IU) Hoosiers won today...After a couple years of horrible basketball (post Bobby Knight)...they appear to be back.
Yay for the Midwest B Ballers

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2012-01-08T12:23:00.006-05:00

I have been in the mood to clear out the clutter and re-do stuff....

And, speaking of "stuff", I have a down filled couch that needs stuffed, due to sagging and the loss of firmness and shape. It has also been cleaned a couple of times, and it just keeps getting worse. The cream colored corduroy just isn't doing a damn thing for me anymore.

I have decided that my personality might be better matched with a new couch.

I have my sights set on a celadon green velvet couch(my favorite color)..... It is all but mine....as soon as I can talk the Assistant into this unnecessary purchase.

According to the History Channel, we are doomed in 2012 . Either there is going to be a great disaster that wipes us off of the face of the earth, the aliens are coming back, or a religious happening is coming upon us poor humans.

If so.......I wont need a big savings, and why not spend the last days on a celadon green velvet couch? ..........oh yeah.....and.....praying for mercy

Oh.... and don't you really hate???

2012-01-07T20:26:00.005-05:00

Don't you hate when you pull down a parking row, and a car is pulling out of a spot.....you notice another car is there, obviously waiting, and they hurry and put their turn signal on???
Ewww!!!!
"Like I didn't notice....duh...I know you're waiting"...."I don't want that stupid spot anyway.....weirdo."

Again......... Ugh

2012-01-07T12:20:00.001-05:00

Don't you hate:
when you get all tucked in under your electric blanket, have your ipad all cozy with you ......and an hour into IT ...you have to go to the restroom????

Ugh!

2012-01-06T22:42:00.003-05:00

Don't you hate when you get your knee high socks on, then you put your boots on , and your socks are too tight on your toes???

What a Pout

2012-01-05T21:25:00.002-05:00

Yikes.............Sorry we are out of Milkbones.

Ted Haggard.....I want to choke you. Gary Busey, I want to give you a sedative

2012-01-04T18:52:00.002-05:00

I had a lovely night at work last night. I was on my new unit, and felt more at home and welcome than I had the whole year.
I woke up today , had my coffee, got Scruff her treats, listened to a little talk radio, and then turned my attentions to my trash TV (DVR from last night).
First up.....Celebrity Wife Swap.
Poor Gary Busey.....A french fry short of a Happy Meal, for sure.
His fiance,Steph, wanted to do this show, in order to show the world that Gary is not crazy.
Uhhhh.....sorry kid.............he's crazy.
However, Gary seemed more real then Ted Haggard.....That's scary....
The insane Busey seemed halfway normal compared to the scary Ted Haggard
Pastor Ted Haggard's wife, Gayle, went to stay with the Buseys.
Gayle is a little in La La land, as well. She seems very closed to other peoples views and opinions.
Now, to the one that really pissed me off.
Gary Busey's fiance, Steph, went to the Haggard's cult like home/ compound, in Colorado .
Ted Haggard's poor daughter, is in so much pain, and needs someone to really talk to.
Haggard's drone like and brainwashed sons seem hostile and turned off toward their only sister.
The girl was practically begging for her dad to be human, and her younger nimwit brother attacked her ...I'm telling ya......Ted Haggard seemed to take a sneaky evil joy in the conflict. He did NOT seem to be genuine, human, or real with anyone.

Uhhhh....Ted you hired a male prostitute, bought meth, and were involved in a horrible sex scandal
In my opinion, you are writing it off as a "little stepping stone in life", and not a painful painful wound that scarred your family forever.
Your smirky rehearsed preaching doesn't make it go away.
Blogettes, I literally wanted to smack the dumbass grin off of his face. He is a plastic, fake fraud, in my opinion.
I think his wife, Gayle, might have a tad of fraud in her too.
BTW....Ted Haggard's daughter looked to be in her late 20s....She needs to get the heck out of that crazy house and go be normal and find her joy somewhere else.
I could go on and on.....
O...M...G!
Hell....I cant even blog about Teen Mom now.....Crap!
See ya tomorrow.

Real Outlaw?

2012-01-04T07:44:00.000-05:00

First of all, I am not sure of the whole reincarnation thing, because, quite frankly, none of us know everything.
For some reason, though, I have always felt that I was a cowboy or a cowgirl in a past life.
When I was a kid, I always pretended like I was riding a horse, and I did have a Jane West doll instead of a Barbie.
Plus......I have always had a gut feeling that I have maybe shot villains , and that I have done some outlaw stuff in a prior life.
I know it sounds crazy, but I have always felt "at one" with the Wild West.
I know.....Weird!!!....I have never even been there.
At this point, I am just a boring girl in the Midwest, with no life, and, for sure.....no horse.
The most outlawish thing I do around here, is demand my carry out french fries to be filled to fair portion in the drive thru.
Last year, we went to a gun shop for the first time....My Assistant was explaining to the gun shop guy that .........
"She has never used a gun ....so you'll have to teach her" (all teacher like)
I calmly said, "Step aside." ..."I do believe, that I have done this before".
My Assistant , having heard this before, just rolled his eyes.
I put on my goggles and ear plug thingy........ up came the targets, and..
kapowy...... a couple slugs...right in the heart of the paper person target.
And then, just for kicks....one right between the eyes.....POW!!!!
SO
The gun guy says to me "Ma am....What were you aiming at, with that last shot?"
"The forehead.....duh" i casually replied, as i put the gun softly down on the table.
Anyway , this confirmed my suspicions...I think i have, indeed, shot a gun before.
Now, back to the whole subject of this post.
I have been thinking it might be fun to go to a Dude Ranch Getaway, in Arizona.....Horseback riding , warm sun, campfires, hiking, ranch type activities....and such.
I announced this yesterday to my Assistant.
"I think I am gonna go back to my roots, and go on a Dude Ranch Vacay".
"Reeeeeeeally?.... hmmmmmmmm " he said
What do you Blogettes think?

Outlaw French Fry Carryout Maneuver :
Next time you look in your bag of french fries at McDonalds, and your fries are all half empty(fyi...they are notorious for this crime).
Calmly hand your bag back, and tell them that you would like your fries.... to look like the fries on the bill boards and on the menu boards.....thankyou very much.
I assure you, that you will get a blank stare from most carry out clerks, and they will just fill them up.
However, on occasion, an aggressive clerk might say "Well that's the right portion according to the scoop."
Blah blah blah....No deal!!!..Just tell them (kinda apologetic, but in a firm manner) that......
'The billboard pictures and the commercials of all the golden overflowing french fries influenced my decision, and that it could be considered false advertising..............possibly.....maybe.....???"
(scrunch your nose a bit while you say this)
Believe me, you will be driving away with a large order of fries, fit for a Queen.
Hey....When a girl is in the mood for fries....She wants some damn fries.
Right?

Monday TV

2012-01-03T10:00:00.002-05:00

I was getting ready for work on Monday, and got a call from the Sick House....telling me that I was not needed, so I was off and just on call till 5 AM. Yay..whoop whoop!
So, after some grilled cheese sandwiches and some canned soup, I knew I had some TV watching to do.
After all, a new season of The Bachelor started tonight.
The Bachelor, Ben (reject from last season), was dumped by Ashley on The Bachelorette, last year.
Ben arrived with his hair still parted down the middle, a fresh soul, as they all do, and announced to the host, Chris, that he was ready for a new life and new chance at love.......as they all do.
All the girls were pretty, as usual. There was a villain, a cryer, a model, a southern belle....etc...
Looks to be a good season......as usual..and yes .......i will probably watch......as usual.

What the therapist on The Real Housewives of Beverly told Taylor in therapy was......... the bomb.
Anyway, The Housewives all packed their bags to go on their trip to Hawaii, minus Taylor, due to Russell issues, and minus Kim, due to being stoned or drunk, and her inability to get to the airport. She slurred, to sister Kyle, that she would take a later flight.
Brandi took Xanax during the flight, drank at dinner, and then "came on" to Lisa's husband, Ken.
After Lisa informed Brandy that her left breast was exposed, she got Ken under control.
Ken really seemed to enjoy it though
Uhhhhh...This might sound weird, but if staying in a 5 star hotel in Hawaii..... means that a creepy guy will come around and spritz Evian water on me while i lay out ...........No Thanks.
And finally ....the highlight.
Celebrity Wife Swap
Tracy Gold, troubled child star and former anorexic..... that also got arrested for a DUI after leaving a BBQ a couple years ago, switched places with Carnie Wilson, daughter of Beach Boy, Brian Wilson, and current singer of Wilson Phillips.
So....Carnie Wilson has a free style hippie type house with no rules, two nannies, a husband that hides out in his music room all day, and two young girls.
Both daughters eat with their mouths open, and hardly know their dad. There was an obvious bad vibe between Carnie and her detached husband.
Tracy Gold, on the other hand, lives in a cookie cutter house, has 4 sons, does all the work herself, and runs a damn tight ass ship of a household.
She and her husband do all the running, cooking, and child rearing, and admit to spending practically every moment with each other. Their kids set the table, have manners , and say please and thank you.
However, the 3 year old kid still drank out of a bottle, which was kinda flaky.....I didn't miss that, and it made me ponder the "under the radar" dynamics.
Anyhoo.....the two families hated the switch and really didn't learn a damn thing from the experience.
Looks like I will be watching tomorrow .....Crazy Gary Busey and semi radical Pastor, Ted Haggard do the switch. ABC 9 PM Tuesday

The World Needs Cat Ladies

2012-01-02T15:44:00.005-05:00

As I get older ...I am realizing how Cat Ladies become....Cat Ladies.
I think I might be in the beginning process of turning into one.
I used to live next door to a Cat Lady, so I know a little bit about them.
In the beginning, I thought my Cat Lady neighbor was crazy.
She was usually quiet, but when she spoke, she was somewhat abrasive. She didn't have anything really nice to say about any of us "outsiders".
Cat Lady, Mary Jo, stayed inside for the most part. She stayed up late, and she woke up late.
She ventured out daily to say hi to her cats, check out the neighborhood, feed the birds and squirrels, and talk to or lecture the occasional passerby.
She never had air conditioning, so in the summertime, she would have all her windows open wide, with her baseball games blaring out into the summer air until the middle of the night.
She told me one day, that she basically got sick of mowing her yard in the 70s.....so....just stopped mowing "the damn thing".
Her yard, eventually, turned into a secret garden of sorts , with wild flowers and overgrown trees and ferns covering every inch. There were kitty cats, birds, and squirrels lurking and playing everywhere.
Most of the people in the neighborhood thought her yard was an eyesore...It never bothered me much, though. I thought it was like a little story book house.
Our houses were actually about 30 feet apart, so occasionally, if i was outside, she would stand out in her driveway in her house coat and slippers and talk to me.
She would ask me about my kids, our cat, that she had spied in our window looking down on the cat fairy land. She would ask me about my Assistant, my job, and my life, as well.
She also told me all the gossip in the neighborhood. Cat Lady, had been there since the 50s , so she knew every juicy tidbit about everyone. She didn't seem to have a lot of positive things to say about any of them. She had made up funny names for them, as well. (ex: The Campers, Mrs. Clean, Mr. Loudmouth, Mr and Mrs. Ugly Fence)
Mary Jo had a foul mouth, but she usually spoke the truth. She had many issues with the city, the government, and the changing society, in general.
One day, her license was in jeopardy, because she had put on her crazy hat, gone to mail some letters, got out of her 1970s vehicle, forgot to put in to park and ran it right into the local KMart.
Having lived next door to her for awhile, and gaining her trust, one day, i eventually was invited into her little red brick house. She had wanted me to teach her how to do the control test on her new glucometer.
I was curious. I felt like Gretel... entering into the unknown.
Dirty kitchen ? Of course.
Cluttered ? Uhhh...yes...
Cozy? Definitely.
A delightfully interesting mess, indeed.
There were built in book shelves everywhere, packed with books ...There was yarn and embroidery stuff everywhere(lol). There were pictures everywhere with a whole story to each one. She showed them all to me, and told stories of family and friends that had abandoned her or ...... just disappeared...."Probably due to her being different and too bold", i thought to myself, as i took it all in. "Most everyone ran from me" she told me with a laugh .
I learned that day, that Cat Lady, Mary Jo, loved baseball. She knew every stat and every player in the league.
One picture in her entry hall was a black and white photo of a spicy lady in a car, with a cigarette in hand, cat eye sunglasses, and a fun smile on her face. She told me that it was her in the photo. She informed me, that she was quite the "tiger" back then, and had a lot of " male friends".
She told me of getting married , loving her husband , falling out of love with him, and eventually getting rid of him. She confided to me, that when he started ignoring her.....she exited him out the door. She said this all matter of factly......with confidence.
She told me that she had breast cancer, but never went to the doctor till late. She had opted to not do any treatment.
She had known there was something wrong for awhile, but seemed confident that if she would have let the "damn doctors" touch her ....that she would have already been dead. Which, at the time, I thought she was probably right.
She lived there until she died. Mary Jo was 83, and sat Indian style on her couch listening to her games and cuddling with her cats until the day of her death.
The guy in charge of her estate came in and chopped down every tree and plant. He sold the little house to some moron, that made it into a tacky plain house. He replaced all the old wooden crank out windows with new plastic ones. He added a second story, as well. It looked hideous.
All 12 cats were taken to the pound, and all evidence of the little wild place was gone overnight..
Ole Mary Jo was probably cursing from the grave.
Anyhoo........i figure that will be me ......eventually........
I hope so...hehehe

At the Theater

2012-01-01T11:51:00.005-05:00

Review: Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Movie Cost: 13.50/ two peeps
Snacks: 13.50 for 1 diet coke and 1 large popcorn.....1 refill ( the refill makes it worth it...right?....wrong)
Time: 2:40
Before the movie started, I casually turned around to survey the crowd behind me.
Weird............
I observed two 20 something guys, a couple rows back, with a small male child between them.
I thought this to be strange, because I had heard the movie was definitely not for kids.
Plus......." How did he get in here?", I thought to myself.
"Geeesh....Some parents!!" I muttered, as i wiped butter from my chin.
I didn't read the book , so I had a little trouble at the beginning figuring out the concept of the movie.
During the show, I couldn't stop staring at the GWTDTs (Elizabeth's) eyebrows.
Her eyebrows were like 2 blond invisible lines on her pale Gothic face.
I knew that she would look much better with blond hair, as her raven black hair washed her out really bad. I whispered this fact to my Assistant, as he watched. He shushed me.
Anyhoo.....I guess I wasn't prepared for the violence in the movie. I found the rape scene very disturbing , But when the GWTDT got the guy back and tortured him........Yep!...I still cringed.
Anyway, I know the movie has gotten high ratings, but i found the theme predictable, in a Silence Of The Lambs kinda way.
I knew who the killer was in his first scene.
Still.......
I couldn't stop worrying about that poor kid behind me....What was that poor kid thinking during the violent scenes?
Overall, the movie was alright , but I wished we had gone to see War Horse instead. The sex in the movie was unexpected ...and oddly awkward.
And besides.....beautiful Daniel Craig should never have sex with a Goth......ick!
Bloggers, I am tired of movies with sick sexual abuse undertones, so I didn't like it all that much.
After the show.....guess who I saw walking in front of me in the parking lot?
Those two guys with the small male child.
And guess what else?
It wasn't a child......... It was a dwarf.......A little person
whew!!!!.
Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: 3 stars
Oh...BTW....I saw a preview for Mark Wahlbergs new movie.........O...M...G....

Elf Returns

2011-12-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

Before we move on to 2012 (c0uld be our last...according to the History Channel), lets go back to Christmas night.
We arrived home, only to find a strange boyish /girl elf sitting on the steps. She came with a note.

Click on the picture for a your reading glasses

Weird ....huh? "Too late Candi Chaz Kane...Pepper was taken in to custody last night", i told her.

And then....................this

Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

Looks like he is back....... with his new "mentor".

I guess she is gonna do home elf therapy and teach him a little about the love game as well .

Crap!

I don't even know if my insurance covers this shit.

The 2011 Jayne Awards

2011-12-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

Best 2011 Reality Personality( most drama) : Taylor, from Beverly Hills Housewives
Worst Reality/ Real life death: Russell, Taylor's husband, from Housewives
Best Reality Villain: Abby Lee, from Dance Moms
Most Awkward Reality Watch: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.....i am still "awkwarded out"
Best Non Reality Show: Sons of Anarchy............duh
Best Celebrity Meltdown : Charlie Sheen
Worst "Me" Meltdown: The Chip Incident
Best Two Snaps Moment: J Lo ...moving on.
Biggest Heeby Jeeby: Chaz on DWTS
Biggest Con Artist: Oblah.... oh yeah.......and that kitchen counter guy
Most Disappointing, but not life defying : My big rose bush being choked to death by a rogue Rose of Sharon
Proudest Moment: Offspring graduating from Officers Training
Best Purchase: Assistant's box truck for his biz......................and my boots ..hehe
Best "Be Careful What You Wish For: The Occupy and Arab Spring movements....they'll rethink it later.
Most Suspicious: Osama Bin Laden's......non body ocean burial...un.. sighting moment
2011 Cutest Dog: Scruff
Best Meal: Ribeye(medium) at Roadhouse with baked potato and rolls,
Best Decision: Transferring units at work
Top 2011 Fashion Item: The Slipper

Thursday Thinks

2011-12-29T10:44:00.004-05:00

I woke up today feeling much better physically. I was even craving my morning coffee.
I had some weird dreams , and for some reason, I woke up sad and feeling kinda detached from the world and from my life, as it is.
Is that weird? Has anyone else ever felt that way after a dream?
Where is my Dream Guru, Mel V.?
I looked in the mirror.... The ole menses cycle(perfectly timed for the holidays), and 2 days of intestinal sickness has certainly taken its toll.................Yikes. Scary and pale.
I definitely need a steak.
I saw in the news, that Ben Nelson, the democrat that was the deciding vote on Obama care and who basically took a bribe to vote for it, is bailing out and retiring this year ......Chicken Shit.
So, I have been trying to grow my pixie (aka boy haircut) out into a kinda short bob.
It is in the yuck stage of driving me nuts . I want to get it chopped off ...I almost texted my hair dresser today to got an appt., but stopped.
I can do this .....right?

UPdate >>> I just saw that Celebrity Wife Swap comes out on Jan 3 ABC...Things are looking up

I am still alive

2011-12-28T18:24:00.003-05:00

I am weak...I can barely type as we blog.
I went back to bed today, and slept until 1pm. I am feeling weak and drained of energy
Where did I pick up this rogue intestinal germ?
Today, I kept trying to think of where this bug came from. I was even blaming my own Christmas Eve party.
And then Eureka!!!!
I narrowed this stomach flu mystery down to my sister from Oklahoma....She was sick the day after Christmas.
She had to have picked up this hitch hiking germ in route from Oklahoma to Indiana.....most likely at some rest stop or some Burger King along the way.
I told her of my thoughts, and she reported that, "yes", in fact there had been some "sickness going around" at the office before Christmas. Hmmmmm...The plot thickens.
I also reminded her that we up here in dreary Indiana will have no Vit. D until late Spring to fight off bugs.
In the meantime, she is recuperating back in sunny Oklahoma in the 60 degree weather, healing from her sickness.
Thank you very much Ms. Oklahoma.....Thankyou very much

Shut Up or Throwup

2011-12-28T08:37:00.004-05:00

I got sick at work last night.........twas a nightmare
I was kinda nauseated before work , but i didn't feel like It was anything to call in sick over.
I show up, was listening to report, and one of the day nurses kept going on and on about a patient's continuous vomiting.....She kept saying the word vomit....vomit.....emesis....vomit....
All the sudden I felt a little faint, and I got that odd feeling like I was gonna puke ...
I ran down the hall to the break room and threw up all over the bathroom....The sheer force of it caused other issues as well.. .....I was so embarrassed. They had to call housekeeping to come clean up the bio hazard mess ASAP
I had to wear pajama bottoms home...I am now home....... sick with the plague.
Woes me!!

After Christmas Stuff

2011-12-27T11:45:00.006-05:00

Another Christmas over and done. Overall..... a nice holiday. Nothing off the charts, but not bad.
Look at this putrid sweater, that I won in my sister's humorous little raffle on Christmas day....
I can't even hardly touch it without getting the heeby jeebies

Look who got a new bed!

Blogettes, I am a little deflated from the month....I feel the February Funk coming early this year.
My Assistant is sick today. Stomach flu....Though, one might think..... the Black Plague ...from the drama that ensued in the middle of the night.

Here is a list of December Discoveries for 2011:

Some people really don't like Hallmark or Lifetime Christmas shows.....Who knew?

I will always buy nice Christmas wrapping paper

Gift receiving etiquette is not always a given.

Dogs get more excited about presents than teens.

It is liberating to tell someone that you really don't like the Willow Tree figurines (sorry Ma)

I still like Yahtzee

I still like Amaretto Sours.

No one is gonna switch my Christmas songs over to rap music ever again at my Christmas Party..........ever :(

A love letter means more than a present.

It is nice to have your family all home for Christmas.

One of my offsprings apparently doesn't like Christmas...as stated, while hiding out and switching my party music.

I like my Tempurpedic better than getting up on Christmas morning.

I want more love in the world.

I want humans to wake up, enjoy the earth, and start enjoying the honor of just living.

Anyhoo

Guess who is back ? Yep....Pepper. More on that later.

Book em!

2011-12-25T12:05:00.003-05:00

Well, as promised, the North Pole Elf Security Unit arrived to collect Pepper for transport home. Pepper made a run for it, but in the end, was apprehended by the team of expert elf bounty hunters.
I kinda felt sorry for the little guy....Look at him...face down, cuffed in tinsel ......sigh
I never thought it would come to this.

See ya........................kid.

The Favorite and...The Desperate

2011-12-24T00:43:00.004-05:00

I have always loved the reindeer and Santa sled lights shown above. They belonged to a family member for over 20 years, or so. Every time I would see them, I would admire them.
Anyway, I was pulling out of my driveway the other day, and saw a bag on my front door.
Look what was inside...........The lights!!!
I put them on my tree right away.
I called the gifter yesterday, to tell him thank you, and that it was one of my all time favorite gifts.
And .....now to the desperate. Someone found out that his days are numbered.

Uhhhhhhh....We see ya Pepper.

Elf to leave Crumble Town

2011-12-22T13:54:00.001-05:00

December 22,2011

Dear Jayne.
We send this letter with heavy hearts.
Last week, leaders here at the North Pole, were informed by the Midwest division, that our long lost elf , Pepper, has been located at your residence.
Our informant has been keeping us up to date on Pepper Mintstix's behavioral issues.
After an emergent board meeting with several executives at our Elf Social Services Division, we have come to a firm and final decision.
We are writing to inform you, that our authorities will be picking up Pepper on Christmas Eve for transport back to our facilities.
We feel.....at this time, Pepper will benefit in returning to his home base.
Santa has been made aware of these developments, and has ordered that he is to be immediately enrolled in the elfin rehabilitation outreach program, here at the Pole.
He will be in a group home of sorts.
His therapy will begin December 25th
We are thankful for all of the care and the love that you have given this rogue elf
We also understand, that you have been led to believe that Pepper Mintstix was abandoned in the 60s .
On the contrary....
In 1963, He was registered as a flight risk, and after several failed attempts, over a span of two years , he was successful in his escape . He stowed away on the Christmas Eve sled, and as you humans say "he made a break for it"...and ...that was that.
Honestly, after over 40 years, ....we here, just assumed that we would never see the striped pajama clad , juvenile delinquent elf again.
Unfortunately, little Pepper, was born in to a troublesome family of elves, and quite honestly, just never had the chance at a healthy elf lifestyle....
We are hoping to have a positive outcome in this case, and are excited to begin therapy.
We will send further details on the specifics, and on the transport procedure, as well.
In addition, any damages that have arisen during his stay, should be filed in the claims department. The costs will be reimbursed to you.

Sincerely Yours,

North Pole Elf Behavioral Health Division

Elf Thief

2011-12-20T18:06:00.003-05:00

PEPPER!!! Get the H out of my purse!!

Damn elf!......Little thief...Wipe that smirk off of your face too.
You're not cute.

Tuesday Coffee Talk

2011-12-20T10:06:00.005-05:00

No ...my puppy didn't bite me. She is a sweet kid and would never lower herself to bite. I was referring to a sweet human ....that went....all..... "Old Yeller" on some peeps.
Ya wanna know what is really crappy?
Answer: Being a bloated hormonal mess ...and on your period, during the holidays......
Why must this happen to woman kind?
Anyhoo..........Today is DVR Tuesday.
Time to sit down and watch some shows....BTW... I am reviewing as I watch.
First up Geek Love (TLC). I almost feel like skipping this one, but .....remember.
"This is my job!"........"I must carry on"....."I must do this for mankind!"......hehe
The setting, is a SCiFi / Comic convention, where the Geeks are partaking in Geek Speed Dating. One girl geek, looks like someone smushed her two front teeth in with a light saber.
I kinda feel sorry for her.
The head geek seems really confident (for a geek). Oh....it seems, he met a girl geek the previous year. Amazing what happens to the confidence level, when a geek gets laid.
hmmmmmmmmmm....One geek.... just said awesome-er (is that a word?)
Uhhh...oh..Girl geek is taking her geekish mom on her date.....I think the guy geek likes the mom more.....crap
Oh well....fast forward.....two thumbs down.

I loved Kelly Ripas dress today...Of course , I will never wear a sleeveless dress like that....ever..............but i still liked it.
ok
I have to go get ready to go into Crumble Town and finish shopping ...

Things I Think

2011-12-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

Ashton Kutcher...is an awkward mess lately.
I love pecan pancakes
The older you get...the less you want to make Christmas cookies.
Ron Paul is annoying
I hate LED Christmas lights
Neil Patrick Harris should take Regis's place.
Lady Gaga is growing on me....and i want to go to see her in concert......for real
The stickers on the packaged Christmas bows .....suck.
I am addicted to overly buttered extra salty Chex Mix
I like scrap book paper, but don't like to scrap book.
I want a ribeye.....soon.
OMG...The crap hit the fan on Housewives of Beverly....and yep.....Kims on drugs

huh?

2011-12-19T21:09:00.003-05:00

Which is the most shocking..........

When a mean dog snaps....or.... when a nice puppy bites ?? :(

Toys for Tots

2011-12-18T10:27:00.007-05:00

Does anyone know where I can find a toy for a one year old? A toy that doesn't light up, play music, or have obnoxious voices that come out of it?
I have not had any little kids around for a while, so I guess ..... didn't realize what has happened to the toy industry. All the toys have a button to push....for something to happen....It's weird.
What happened to all the old sturdy Fisher Price toys?
I literally saw 4 toys in Target that didn't do any of the above.
The Fisher Price stuff all looked cheap.
I still love the old ones.
Remember the little pull along dog with the wooden shoe in his mouth, that made that lovely little sound(not too obnoxious), and his ears moved, as well when you pulled him? I miss him.
I want the old Little People back too!!! And their house....dang it!!
I also need toys for a three year old. I suppose that the toy manufacturers are assuming that every toy is supposed to educate or teach something....... and not just be for fun.
If I had a three year old again...I wouldn't want to go online and register a toy , hook up a toy, or give a three year old my iphone so they can play with a toy. The whole point is to keep them busy so I can do my stuff...right?.....lol......ahem
I saw a big clunky Miss Piggy clock that had an iphone station ...............Why?
Maybe i am totally out of it, and didn't know that 3 to 6 year olds have iphones now?
I saw a Glow Worm that was smaller than the old Glow Worm......It played Symphony music...Something to give the kids culture, i suppose............"Boring"....I said, as I tossed it back on the shelf...."Just Glow......ok!!"..."just glow"....geeeesh.
A lot of the toys have little teeny parts that go with them. Remember when Strawberry Shortcake was big enough to actually hold, and she only came with a brush and a cat?
Last night , in the KMart toy aisle, my Assistant asked me, curiously, as he held up a Ken doll ....
"This doesn't look like Ken." "What happened to Ken?"
"Ken has changed .........duh." I said this, as if I knew, but i was actually a little surprised that Ken was a brunette, with a hair style that the old Ken would surely scoff at.
I noticed.... that Dora even has a waistline and wears makeup now ......Who knew?
So today...After my coffee, I am gonna get my gear and my game face on, and the toy search will continue.
BTW...What do modern day 13 year olds do ?
UPDATE: OMG....I just saw a commercial with a kid scratching and pushing a car all over the top of an ipad ....I guess there is an interactive racing game that a kid can download........
Not my ipad, kid...Not on your sweet little 5 year old life

More Elf Crap

2011-12-17T21:00:00.001-05:00

Now, where the heck is my Ipad.........? crap...
Hmmmmmmm.....

Who's there?.........Who is there, in the dark?........Hey !!! That's my ipad.

What the....?????

Quick....Someone turn the lights on

Gasp!!!!!!! Pepper! .............

Conversations With Bert: Andy Samberg, Part 1

2011-12-17T03:59:00.000-05:00

Crafting For The Homeless

2011-12-16T15:23:00.001-05:00

sigh................Where do I begin?
I had such high hopes on my journey to "Nice".
Before I write this Blog on Homeless Crafts, I just want to say one thing.
Last night, I watched a movie on The Christian Broadcast Channel, and cried like a baby at the end.......just sayin.
When it comes to making these plastic garbage bags into sleeping mats for the homeless.....i am not on board.
Before you gasp, and say "Jayne has ice in her veins", let me tell you the details involved in making these plastic sleeping.... place..... mats.
I was once asked, if I wanted to be involved in this crusade, because....you see ...the mats are crocheted . I assume, the person that asked me, thought i would love a new crochet project.
Crusader: "Jayne ....ya wanna make mats for the homeless?"
Jayne: "How are they made?" "Whats the technique?"
Crusader: Well......you take plastic shopping bags and cut them up into strips ...Then you tie all the bags together to make one big piece". "Then , you just start crocheting it together like you would anything else."
Jayne: "And....how many bags would one need ?"
Crusader: "Hundreds." (blinking innocently, with eyes all excited)
Jayne: "For one mat?"
Crusader: "Yes" (still..... really....excited)
Jayne: "Nahhhhh".............."Your crazy"
I know she thought i was mean, but .....I would never cut up hundreds of plastic shopping bags into strips, tie them all together......end to end, and start crocheting for hours, to make a place mat to be thrown onto the ground.
I wouldn't do that for anyone....not even the Pope.
I would rather go buy a yoga mat for 9 bucks and give them that......Better yet, why not give these homeless peeps a hook and teach them to crochet.. I am sure they would love yarn art.......or plastic bag art.
Not to mention, the joy in learning a hobby. I would even donate the yarn and hooks, so they can make themselves hats and scarfs, as well.
About a year ago, I was asked to crochet hats for the homeless .....I said no.

Whats wrong with me ? I thought I was gonna be better.

Mom Blog Protocol 101

2011-12-15T22:37:00.006-05:00

Last night at work, we were discussing a co-workers new blog.
The above mentioned blogger was not at work last night, so it was up to me alone..... to teach people about the Blog World.
So, anyway, our sweet co-worker/(slash) new Blogger, is trying her hand at a blog....and since she is kinda crunchy(ie: cloth diapers, homemade baby food, kids everywhere , coupon extreming, possible home school) ...i knew, of course, that this girl, most likely, is headed for Mommy Blogger Bliss.
So we got online to take a gander.
Yep...Sure enough!
Up comes her site, full of pictures of laundry soap, cloth diaper instruction(with a Raggedy Ann doll being used as the prop), a diaper bucket, and a casserole.
One of the other young mom coworkers starts scrolling and says:
"See...(rolling her eyes)......I don't have the time for this"...."She has waaaaay too much time on her hands". (she was talking about the new mom blogger friend...)...She was even thinking about commenting her thoughts.
My heart skipped a beat...(not really, but it sounds dramatic)
I looked at her, and said......" Uhhh ...... Don't ever say that to a Mommy Blogger!"
She looked confused..."Whats a Mommy Blogger?"...she asked.
"Mom Bloggers are a unique group on the web"..."There are rules, boo." "They don't take comments like that lightly"...i added.
At this point, I felt like it was my responsibility to tell this possible new blog surfer about Mom Blog protocol.
"You say something like that to a Mom Blogger, and you're headed down a dangerous road, girly"....:Mom Bloggers don't like opposition" "Unless, you want to see a 2 page blog on how busy a mom blogger is,.....you don't wanna go there". Never say.... a Mom Blogger...... isnt busy"
She thanked me for my concern, and my helpful hints. ....in regards to Blog cruising
Anyhoo...then someone else made a comment on a new craft project interest ......Taking plastic shopping bags, and making mats for the homeless out of them...
Oh Blogettes, it was hard for me to keep my mouth shut .....I started sweating....I am trying to be nice now...Dang it!!!!!..crap
OK ..I couldn't help it. I opened my mouth.
MORE ON THAT TOMORROW.

What up?

2011-12-15T08:22:00.003-05:00

Day 2 of the Go Nice campaign, started with me being sickening sugar sweet to one of the meanies at work....during morning report.
I gave myself two Wedding Cake Cookies, when I got home, and threw Scruff a bone.
Today, I am going to send out a scandalous Christmas card to that frenemy in my dream, if I can get the address.
I don't want to encourage the friendship, which was tiring and emotionally difficult(aka emotionally draining and needy), but I am gonna make the effort to wish her a Merry Christmas.
I made some Chex Mix the other day. I found the perfect addition...A moderate dusting of garlic salt and an extra stick of butter...for kicks.
I love it when I get a Wheat Chex double dose drenched in butter.
I also made cookies, and even had time to make crafty gift boxes...Take a look.

2011-12-15T00:56:00.002-05:00

Day one.....smiled at a call light abuser...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Going Nice........Day 1

2011-12-14T12:34:00.005-05:00

Day 1 of my attempt to make it onto the Nice List , started with me waking up at around 10:30 .
I was jostled awake by the weirdness of a dream.
In the dream, I was reuniting with an ex-frenemy. I was crying in the dream ....explaining in a kind but stern manner.....why i dumped her.
She looked very frail and desperate sitting there, as i tried to make peace with her and give her some comfort ...... as to why I had to move on.
Anyhoo....when I woke up I contacted my therapist ( hehe) and asked her what she thought of this wackadoo dream. She was puzzled , as well
Was it a sign? Is it my first assignment....on my journey to nice??
Dammit! I wish I knew.
After hanging up, I sat and drank my coffee, which is where I remain ....Still...3 hours later.....Staring at the TV.......Trying not to think bad thoughts about Oblah, as I watch him spew more rhetoric.
I hurry and switch the channel to Wendy Williams.....I like her. Awwww...Rachel from X Factor is on....
I am trying to think this whole "nice" thing through.....I almost don't know where to start.
Where do I begin..to clean up this mess?
I cuddle with Scruff, does that count?
I know....I know......... I must get out there...and begin.

Straight Jacket Jayne ....shows remorse

2011-12-14T00:06:00.005-05:00

After my straight jacket moment, of course, I felt like an ass.
Duhhhhh!!!
I do realize.... why i am not the most loved individual in the world.....let alone C. Town.
I am on edge, and quite frankly.....people are annoying me lately.
I do know how people become crazy reclusive cat people, for sure.
In addition, I know it was wrong to talk to that poor innocent, but overly trained, customer service agent on the phone, the way I did.
Why did she seem like she was enjoying her little game of password cat and mouse?...Why?
Blog Babes, I really do believe we have slowly been producing is a new breed of peeps in the world....I just don't know their language or their ways.
With only 11 more days left until Christmas, I am up for a challenge.
As repentance for my bad behavior on the phone ....I am gonna do and say one nice thing a day until Christmas ........for these strange humans.
Yes ...
I am gonna get in the cage and learn about these people. I am going to try and communicate with them..Learn their culture....Learn their language ..I will strive to be at one with them ...so to speak. I will do it for Christmas! It's not too late for me.... is it..... Clarence???

Get ready.........
Pajama Peeps
Electric Wheel Chair Terrors
Customer Service Snots
Deranged Drivers
Weird Drive-thru Attendants
Call Light Abusers
Pathetic Politicians
Go Green Goons
Occupy Oddballs
IT Twits
LaLa Liberals
Tomorrow is a new day........I will be different .....
BTW....Oblah...is not included in this deal.

2011-12-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

2011-12-12T20:46:00.001-05:00

2011-12-12T18:15:00.001-05:00

OMG.........I just found out that my Moms been on my blog.....
uhhhh....hi....................hehe...............

I Want Real Christmas

2011-12-11T22:10:00.003-05:00

Ya know what?

I watched The Holiday, for the 5th time or so. What is so wrong with me wanting to go live in that little stone cottage in the English countryside ....? huh?

I want a quaint village, where everyone knows me.

I want garland around every store front.

I want a little pub to go hang out in.

I don't wanna see .....no more pajamas in WalMart or the Mall.....

Dammit!!! I just wanna see people in woolly plaid coats, earmuffs , Christmas scarfs, and attire that looks like it came straight out of an LLBean catalog.(even though LLBean doesnt say Merry Christmas....i still like their winter wear)

I want a town Christmas light contest.

I want Sam Elliot to take me to Antler Ridge like in Prancer.

I want a Mom to bake me Christmas cookies, and come have hot chocolate with me....sniff

Speaking of cookies, lets have a town Christmas cookie contest.

I want little book stores decorated for Christmas, like Meg had in You've Got Mail.

Why cant someone roast a chestnut around here?

I wanna see a manger...with a town thats not worried about the "political" fallout.

I want a Christmas Play

I want Jude Law to talk me into staying in town....oops sorry...just kidding..hehehe.....kinda.

Now...maybe i have been cooped up, watching the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime, but .....crap.........I just wish things could be different sometimes.

Make Up ...Scam

2011-12-11T13:13:00.004-05:00

I was in Ulta yesterday. I was there for a certain color of Bare Minerals lip stick.
The place was busy.
I noted there were a couple of men standing in the center aisle looking lost and bumfuzzled,...as their female shopping partners were trying out the makeup and making their overpriced purchases.
I over heard one man say in shock..... "39 $ for eyeshadow..!!!.?"....as his wife put it in the basket.
"Uhhh yeah...Mr.!" ...I was thinking....."Its ridiculous."
Now...I like makeup, and I am all for the end result of good skin care, but i do think it is getting a little overpriced......even for the typical drug store brands.
Every time, I have been in Ulta , here is what i have noticed...... Every sales girl that waits on you has tried every skin product and makeup in the damn place(wink wink).
Which I know is a lie....I know it is a scripted gimmick..........They are told to say that stuff.
"I ..really love this skin product"......"I use this, and I use that......blah blah blah"
I actually had the same girl tell me last month , that she used Philosophy eye cream and yesterday, she told me she used another brand.
I said..."You sure take care of your eyes."
Anyhoo....I bought some lipstick and an overpriced tube of miracle eye cream.
And..... as far as men saying that they would rather women NOT wear makeup...I would love to do a test run on that one.
Lets say we take 3 average looking women, and put them side by side.
One with a lot of makeup on....the second with a little, tastefully done, makeup on, and the 3rd, with none.
I bet..... not one man would pick the woman with NO makeup on, as the most put together.
Men don't even know the difference between a little makeup and no makeup....They probably think a nude or light pink lipstick, is no makeup...They don't even realize that women over age 30 don't have with real life pink lips.
Of course , this experiment could not include married men, because they know the real deal, and have seen the raw and the dirty truth about....NO makeup.
Haha...I just asked my Assistant ...if he would pick "this" (pointing to my face with no makeup and a little rough) over me with a little makeup on ...and he said (looking innocent)"Well...yes....i like you just the way you are."
That's gotta be true love, because i sure look like a grease ball with pajamas and slippers on.

Oh Brother......

2011-12-09T22:00:00.003-05:00

Pepper!!!!.........

OMG!!!.....Why do you have the electric blanket on high? geeeeeesh!

Toe Recipe

2011-12-09T14:52:00.005-05:00

Yes everyone ...my toe is healed....It's a miracle.
I have had texts and emails from around the world from people wanting my secret soak recipe and regimen. Here it is .....

Day 1:........Pray
Day 2 : After you realize your screwed.....start sanitizing your digging tools : cuticle nippers , cuticle scissors, and a good 18 gauge needle ( a new one ...i just happen to have one)
Sanitize surgical tools in bleach water.....Then get ready for pain.
You must slide the cuticle nippers down the side of the nail ...into the side, until you find the damn snag or the ingrown piece ....when you locate it....Dig it out...Scream...breath....It will hurt.
If you cant get it .....try one more time...Regardless, to if you get it out or not at this point,....Its time to soak and wait.
Get a shallow pan, 1/2 cup of bleach, ...fill bowl or pan with extra hot water. Pour in the bleach..and immerse foot in hot water.....Don't cry......You can do it.
Soak for 10 minutes....Dry...and pour Hydrogen Peroxide right into the wound .
When dry ...take good medical tape and pull skin away from the nail tightly and tape...This will hurt...Suck it up. Do you want to go get your nail removed by a quack? I think not.
Do this procedure twice on day two.
Your toe is gonna hurt in bed...You might even feel your pulse in your great toe, as you lie there praying for Jesus to understand, and to help you out of this situation.
In the morning ...When you see your not healed...Have some common sense ..If you think you can't win this battle...Go to the doctor.
If you think you are up to it ...Pull up your Under Roos ...Its gonna be a long day.
Day 3: Get your bleach concoction ready ..Soak first. Dry ...Pull skin away from the nail(scream it will hurt )..Get your 18 gauge needle and run it all the way down the side of your nail...not too deep, but deep enough to where you can feel the nail snag...With the needle (if done right) ...you will feel it (believe me)...When you do ...get underneath it an pull it up...Its really gonna hurt ....Breath.....You might start sweating and crying...You can do it. When you get it out....Soak foot in hot bleach mixture...Hydrogen Peroxide it.....Dry...Apply Antibiotic cream...Elevate foot. I even put Baby Orajel on it ..to numb it ...It worked.
During this day (if you get it out ) your toe will start feeling better when not walking....
Soak ...again later . If you are a trooper ...dig again (just to make sure)....Pray again that night, for God to have mercy on your toe.....I did....My Assistant thought I was nuts
Day4: Your toe will start looking better (if you got the nail out) Soak....Peroxide ...Antibiotic cream..... Twice on Day 4
Day 5: The birds will start singing again, the sky will be bluer, You will hum "The Sun will COme Out"
You are cured...It will get better every day....
I am not promoting ....NOT.... going to the doctor. I just know that they dig too...and the whole concept is to get that SOB nail out of there. I just didn't want to get my nail removed or pay the big bill....But if you feel like your getting a fever or feel like you are getting a bad infection then you better go to the doctor....Good luck kids
Disclaimer: Remember I am not a doctor ...and nor am I a scientist, or Pharmacist....I am just a blogger from Crumble Town.....Raised in dysfunction, addicted to junk food. This is just my own way of dealing with an ingrown ....Dont take me too serious.....and deny yourself medical attention if you need it....This is just my way of dealing with it.

2011-12-09T08:06:00.001-05:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My Toe .....is back.

2011-12-08T13:20:00.006-05:00

Ola, Winter Babes, in Blogland....
My toe is getting better. I got my shoe on, worked last night, and it didn't even hurt.
It appears, that I cured it with my home medical treatment.
The test labs, here at the Crumble Town Clinic came up with a new soaking chemical cocktail.
After..... I tried the new experimental mixture, I started having a complete turn around.
Of course, I wont know the long term effects of this new chemical treatment for years to come , but for now .........my toe is back
BUT.....not only has that elf, Pepper, taken advantage of the situation, but Scruff sure tried to manipulate me while I was couch bound, as well.
Work was good last night. The sicklies ......were peaceful and calm.
I will be going to a new floor in January, and I am excited to get back to an area more suited for my interests.
As some of you know, I hate working 3 days in a row. Anyhoo, this morning, I noted that my new Manager already has me on the schedule..........for three days in a row....Uuuughhhhh!!!!
I hope this is not a sign......of whats to come.
I am getting ready to watch Modern Family, The Middle, and all my other DVR shows
Guess what? A new Toddlers and Tiaras awaits me on the "other side" ...in DVR Land....
The season finale of Sons of Anarchy was certainly interesting.....I cant wait to see what happens next season. I so much wanted to see Jax slice Clay's throat open and watch him die .....but Jax didn't do it.
I saw that little punk, Astro (from X Factor), on Wendy Williams, yesterday......I just wanna ring that kid's neck .
Bye for now ............
P.S. When all the rich people are gone and poor again? Will our paychecks bounce?
P.S.S. OH yeah....When everyone is dirt poor ...is kinda poor ....rich?
PS.S.S......It seems, that one of The Villains in Blog land, on my Villains list, has lost her crackers.
She has resorted to telling some of her Blogettes to "EFF Off" ....scandalous!

Whatever

2011-12-06T22:39:00.001-05:00

Get the H out of there, Pepper !!!..You know I can't run after you right now.

Homegrown Ingrown

2011-12-06T11:57:00.005-05:00

Well ...I woke up today and my toe is looking better, if you can believe it. This is the worst Ingrown i have ever had ...IN MY LIFE.

It all started with a snagged nail ..that I just took upon myself to rip off ....It broke off , and I proceeded to pull at the corner....ANd there ya go.

My Assistant says, since it has pus, that I need a doctor...I say, pus is the waste product of the bacteria fighting White Blood Cells (cell poop) and that it means they are fighting the battle

Of course , I have been making it worse by digging. All sterile...dont worry. It actually looks worse than it is. Last night I think I got the SOB snagged nail out...Now, all i can do is wait.

I felt like I was in one of those old Westerns....when they have to get a bullet out of some poor cow pokes leg.

I am convinced that i can cure it with my minor home remedies.

I'm a nurse dammit....

I know when i need to seek medical help.

And ...I know i should ...if its not looking better tomorrow

Toe Nail Tuesday

2011-12-06T00:19:00.002-05:00

I've given birth to two kids.......... with no pain killers ....NOTHIN!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!
I can dig this damn ingrown SOB toe nail out....I WILL SURVIVE THIS !

I just wanna be normal again............sniff
my.......boots...............................................................sniff

Monday Mumbles

2011-12-05T12:21:00.005-05:00

I have a really bad ingrown toe nail . There went my chance to wear my new boots over the weekend. I could hardly walk Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
And NO......... I will not go get it pryed out by the doctor.
I watched Sam Elliot on the Hallmark Channel last night..........sigh.
Later I turned on Virgin Diaries ......It was awkward and gross...What is TLC thinking?
I know why all the guys on the show last night haven't had sex with women yet..........
Yoo Hoo
They don't seem like the type that like girls.
In the middle of the show , I went to soak my foot and pick my ingrown T. nail.

Elf Apprehended

2011-12-04T16:00:00.001-05:00

Well....
After the shock wore off...I managed to corner the rogue elf.
A small scuffle took place, and the, striped pajama clad, suspect was apprehended.
After about an hour under the hot lights....he cracked, and we managed to talk things out (if you could call it that). He then proceeded to give me the low down.
It seems .........Our little friend has been alive this whole time.
His name is Pepper Mintstix (legal name).
He was born in 1963.
He claims to be thee original quote"Elf on a Freakin Shelf" unquote.
He admitted.....that he has been watching me since i was a kid.
He then stated, that he only decided to "come out", because of all the "Elf crap" lately. He also told me that he has loved me forever, and that, while he appreciates my Christmas spirit,...he questions my true loyalty to....." being good."
He claims to have witnessed "alot of stuff". Whatev...........It almost seemed like a threat of some kind.
I asked him if he reports back to Santa.........His reply: "Hell no!"
"Santa abandoned me a loooooooong time ago. " He snapped back.
He also said, that he doesnt like pets, and that he is horribly allergic to cats, and "Thanks for keeping one for 16 years"

Peppers Likes: Colored lights(we always have white), Beer, Snowball fights, Staying up late, Soap Opras (Young and The Restless...just like my Assistant), Fires, Pranks (i hate pranks),
Calling Scruffs name out, when we arent home, Boobs, Snow Globes, Naps
Dislikes: North Pole Clique, Mrs Claus, Modern Christmas Music, Mice, Dogs, Cats, Kids (yikes), Underwear, Candy Canes, Books,
Blogettes, This elf doesn't seem like the typical Christmas Elf. He seems a little on edge, and he obviously has an agenda..
Anyhoo.......I pleaded with him to just get back on the tree and please stop with the theatrics.
I think i have it under control, for now.
I dont trust that sweet face though.
PS
Is he wearing lipstick?

Elf on a What?

2011-12-03T13:15:00.005-05:00

So....Whats with all this "Elf on a Shelf "crapola??
It seems to be all the rage. I like elves and all, but it is not like they are a new thing.
DUhhhhh.... We had lots of those elves back in the 70s on our Christmas tree, when i was a kid. No big deal.
I even saved one and put it on my tree every year.
All these elves running around ....doing things......"coming to life"...Haha ...Give me a break.
Anyhoo, I guess there are brand new Hallmark Christmas movies on Hallmark channel tonight. There are like 14 new shows ....i think .
Hey ....Wait a minute ....I just saw something, or someone run by the doorway.....Hold on , Blogettes, let me see what the heck is going on......................................................................................................................................
.................................................
WHAT THE.......???????!!!!!!!! Its that damn elf !!!!!He has been alive the whole time.......... ??
O M G!!!!!

help ......i think

Hey

2011-12-02T12:13:00.003-05:00

Hey...Who got chocolate butter all over my blog??????

Oh..teehee.....Its just my new boots.